Dear Cancer, I was happy and getting married. A week before my wedding you came along and almost destroyed me. I nearly cancelled my wedding, I’ve had my body mutilated and I not only feel you have taken my body, but you have taken the person I use to be. I spend my life worrying you will come back and destroy my life all over again. I worry my husband doesn’t find my mutilated body attractive anymore. I’m worried my 9 year old daughter will grow up without me. I hate you cancer. I’m angry at you and I feel guilty that I may have passed this on to my daughter.
You took everything that I thought was secure and took it away from me. I am grieving for the person I was and for the life I once had. Who are you and why did you come to me? I will beat you. I will move on. But right now I am broken.
Cancer. It may sound strange but I thank you. You have taught me a lesson that otherwise I may not have learnt. I honestly feel that all, both good and bad, happen for a reason. Following from my cancer treatment I have learnt to care for myself again and 3 years post treatment and I am stronger, healthier and happier than I have ever been. And maybe it’s all to do with you?
You came twice. The first time when my daughter had just turned 2 years old. You left me in fear of your return.
5 years of health anxiety, and grieve of not being able to give my daughter a sibling. I felt my spirit was destroyed over take by the contrast patrol my mind was on of observing every ache, pain, unusual fleck of skin on my body.
I was reaching 5 years holding my breath and then it passed. I exhaled started to feel alive again, saw hope in my future saw light felts the spring in my step. No more medication. Hooray!!
Then you returned, my deepest darkest fear that kept me awake so many nights before. Now my nights are filled with the looming dread of having to have my breasts cut off with a knife, scooped out and resealed. There you were right in my face.
You were breaking me, beating me down.
I saw myself clearer, calmer, stronger. If you’re going to beat me down I’ll do it my way.
Two years have passed since you returned. I’ve opened my heart, I’m engaging in ways I was only too scared to before and I’ve still some more to do. Some days I feel lost, alone and confused. But I am most definitely stronger.
I want you to now keep away from my family. Since you returned to me two years ago you have entered 2 of my sisters’ bodies. Please leave our beautiful family alone. You have taken many members from our extended family.
I’m not in favour of the ‘fight cancer’ ‘battled cancer’ terms but sometimes you do bring up those fighting emotions and I remind myself to breathe. For fighting is your fuel and calmness will extinct you. #selflove 💗